See you on the other side...

I was sitting in class yesterday as my teacher was going over the course syllabus and class expectations, suddenly, this indescribable feeling of anger/fear came over me. It felt like I was losing control and the anger was toward my teacher and her expectations. For some reason I had this fear that they were trying to manipulate and control me.(Most of my school days are from 6am to 6pm.) I started to have thoughts of quitting and then I stopped myself...
Ultimately, I'm overwhelmed by the course load. All of my school experiences thus far have allowed me to skate by with the bare minimum and somehow I've always managed to come out on top. And... with little or no effort. For example, last semester I was working so much that I barely studied for the tests. Well... I did on the first few but they were all so difficult that I stopped caring so much. In all honesty my test grades showed, but with my perfect attendance and my good grades on my papers I still walked out of my classes with a resounding A. As I've been introduced to my classes this week, I'm faced with high expectation after high expectation and on top of that, my classes include about 10x the amount of work compared to the last two semesters. I will not be able to skate by this term and my flesh is having a conniption fit.
And then the Lord reminded me about why I left everything behind, and spent all my pennies on the move and tuition. I came to go deep in the word and fall more in love with Jesus.
I spend 25+ hours a week in the prayer room seeking the face of the Lord and contending for His Kingdom to come. My biblical hermeneutics class includes greek and hebrew word study, my sermon on the mount lifestyle class includes memorizing most of the book of Matthew, and my old testament survey class requires reading the entire old testament this month. Deep in the word? I think so! Challenged to grow in the Lord? Of course! Demanding? Absolutely!
As I sit here in the prayer room I am also reminded of all the character issues I've been crying out for Holy Spirit to help me with and I feel much like Paul in Romans 7, what I want to do I do not do and what I don't want to do I do! I want to be faithful when the going gets tough, I don't want to seek the easy way out. I feel like I tend to strategize about how I can finish my tasks in the shortest and easiest way possible. I don't want to do that in my relationship with the Lord. I want to be excellent in all that the Lord entrusts me with. I also want reformation in my motives, I tend to only enjoy doing things that get me something in return and I fail to give wholeheartedly into what I won't reap benefits from. Gah selfishness! My pride is such a biggie for me. Lord have mercy! I can't do it on my own!
I feel like in one semester all of these areas are being confronted in tandem with on whopping drop kick in the face. I think the Lord is putting my flesh in the incinerator. Goodbye self, see you on the other side!

Coming home!

I'm coming home for a visit!!! This week!!! In less than 40 hours I will be running into the arms of my loved ones in the Spokane, WA airport. If you are in the area, I will be having a little gathering at the Red Roof House on the corner of E. Sumach and Clinton St. in Walla Walla next Monday, August 15th at 6:00pm. Please bring your favorite tapas or appetizer and be prepared to get your tail kicked at Bocce!