As many of you know, I have lots of dreams in the night! Most of them are super intense. Lately I have dreamed 3 times that my childhood cat who I was really attached to died (I had her from age 7 until she disappeared when I was 18). The interesting thing was that every time she died in my dream, the events were different, the surroundings were different, but each time she fell down a hole into an abyss. So weird!
Last night I dreamt that I was preparing for a battle... Now, I don't know if it's just that I recently watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy and people say I remind them of Eowyn or what, but it was really interesting nonetheless.
I dreamed I was part of a people that was going to war against an evil army. Someone said that it was to be "The War of the Birds" (Revelation 19:17-18 ??) and we all nodded in understanding. We were making preparation for battle and we didn't have enough men to fight the enormous army that we were preparing to meet so the women had to fight too. I had to carefully conceal my identity as a woman because if the opposing army found out that women were fighting, we would lose. There was this place in between the shoulder blades on a woman's back that the enemy wanted to stab, I don't know what the point was, but that was their goal in winning the war.
I wasn't afraid or nervous as I prepared for the battle aside from being very adamant that the women concealed their identity. My dream ended when I realized it was 11am and we needed to head off to battle, we were to meet the opposing army at noon. So we left to battle on horseback, I was troubled about the men being distracted in battle out of concern for the women they loved.
Just this morning I was reading in 2 Timothy and I came across these verses in Chapter 2,
You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please Him who enlisted him as a soldier.
2 Timothy 2:3-4
I want to be one who seeks the Lord's cause and advances His kingdom in the greatest way possible according to my calling without distraction, without restraint.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
One more picture of the zoo...
I promise, I took this myself!
Isn't he glorious?!? This was right after he was roaring for us!
Isn't he glorious?!? This was right after he was roaring for us!
I celebrated the end of finals at Crown Center with my roommates....
Andrea, Sarah and I reveling in the beauty of the Christmas season!
And then.... We hit the ice!
We found this breathtaking Christmas tree! It seemed to be about the size of Canada... To me anyways. ;)
We couldn't help but play on the toys!
These are my roommates Andrea and Sarah...
Sarah (from Koutz, Indiana) is in my same class in the Forerunner School of Ministry and Andrea (from New Orleans) is a worship leader in the Forerunner Music Academy. They are both such a blessing to me and I have loved growing with them over the last year.
Sarah moves back home this weekend to build a YWAM Mission base and house of prayer near her hometown. I will miss her very much but at the same time, I am very excited to partner with her in what the Lord is doing in Indiana.
That's all for now! Love you all! Hope to see you when I come home at Christmas!
And then.... We hit the ice!
We found this breathtaking Christmas tree! It seemed to be about the size of Canada... To me anyways. ;)
We couldn't help but play on the toys!
These are my roommates Andrea and Sarah...
Sarah (from Koutz, Indiana) is in my same class in the Forerunner School of Ministry and Andrea (from New Orleans) is a worship leader in the Forerunner Music Academy. They are both such a blessing to me and I have loved growing with them over the last year.
Sarah moves back home this weekend to build a YWAM Mission base and house of prayer near her hometown. I will miss her very much but at the same time, I am very excited to partner with her in what the Lord is doing in Indiana.
That's all for now! Love you all! Hope to see you when I come home at Christmas!
Friday, December 2, 2011
If you feel like a good read during the winter months...
Several people have asked me recently if I have been reading any good books. Obviously I have been reading a lot for school, but I have also been discovering some gems in my reading for pleasure times.
For those of you who would like to be called to a higher standard of holiness as you live before the eyes of the Lord, I would highly recommend you read Jeanne Guyon, "An Autobiography." I am in the middle of my second read of this book this fall because it contains such deep insight into the heart of our Lord. I am utterly shocked at each page as Guyon writes her thoughts in diary form about the Lord and righteous living from 16th century France. I close this book completely and utterly provoked after each chapter. Guyon's words have been the source of much stirring in my heart in areas of conviction, she has caused me to go deeper in the word seeking increased revelation from the heart of the Lord and even greater, provoked me to endure the trials of this life with joy, hope and perseverance, trusting the will of the Father above all things.
A little excerpt from her season of imprisonment for her faith,
"During the time I was at Vincennes under interrogation, I continued in great peace, very content to pass my life there, if such was the will of God. I used to compose hymns, which the maid who served me learned by heart as fast as I composed them; and we used to sing Your praise, O my God! I regarded myself as a little bird you were keeping in a cage for Your pleasure, and who ought to sing to fulfill her condition of life. The stones of my tower seemed to me rubies: that is to say, I esteemed them more than all worldly magnificence. My joy was based on Your love, O my God, and on the pleasure of being Your captive; although I made these reflections only when composing hymns. The central depth of my heart was full of that joy which You give to those who love You, in the midst of the greatest crosses. I let others think what they please, for me, I find security only in abandoning myself to the Lord."
If you want to read something that compels your heart to see the gospel spread throughout the earth, increasing zeal in your heart, read the biography of Brother Yun called "Heavenly Man." This book utterly wrecked me and made me realize how much I have sought "comfortable Christianity." After reading about Brother Yun's book, the Lord has increased my desire to pray for the church of the west to be awakened in truth and for our hearts to be stirred to see revival come to our land. I would share a favorite quote from this book but, as with most of my favorite books, I have given my copy away.
For those of you who desire a deeper understanding of Jesus as the bridegroom, please read "Song of the Bride" by Jeanne Guyon. This book absolutely wrecked my heart in a new understanding of Christ's love for humanity, and me. This book is basically a commentary on the Song of Solomon. Regarding Song of Solomon 1:6, Guyon writes,
"God takes away that which is non-essential in virtue so that He may strengthen the principle of the virtues. The virtues are still practiced by the soul, though in an exceedingly hidden way; and in humility, pure love, absolute abandonment, denial of self, and the other virtues, the soul makes solid progress. It is through this process that the operation of God seems to tarnish the soul on the exterior; in actuality, it indicates no new defects in the soul, but only an uncovering of the old ones so that, by being openly exposed, they may be better healed."
As many of you know, one of my hero's in life since childhood has been Amy Carmichael. Elisabeth Elliot wrote a biography on her life and ministry called "A Chance to Die." This book is raw, it is real and it exposes the vulnerability of Carmicheal's heart as she ministers to the nation of India. I love that even her faults and failures are not hidden from its readers, it proves that no matter what place of influence the Lord puts people in, He still has us all in the process of healing and transformation. This is one of my favorite books! You can find a favorite quote in the headline of this blog.
For those of you who would like to be called to a higher standard of holiness as you live before the eyes of the Lord, I would highly recommend you read Jeanne Guyon, "An Autobiography." I am in the middle of my second read of this book this fall because it contains such deep insight into the heart of our Lord. I am utterly shocked at each page as Guyon writes her thoughts in diary form about the Lord and righteous living from 16th century France. I close this book completely and utterly provoked after each chapter. Guyon's words have been the source of much stirring in my heart in areas of conviction, she has caused me to go deeper in the word seeking increased revelation from the heart of the Lord and even greater, provoked me to endure the trials of this life with joy, hope and perseverance, trusting the will of the Father above all things.
A little excerpt from her season of imprisonment for her faith,
"During the time I was at Vincennes under interrogation, I continued in great peace, very content to pass my life there, if such was the will of God. I used to compose hymns, which the maid who served me learned by heart as fast as I composed them; and we used to sing Your praise, O my God! I regarded myself as a little bird you were keeping in a cage for Your pleasure, and who ought to sing to fulfill her condition of life. The stones of my tower seemed to me rubies: that is to say, I esteemed them more than all worldly magnificence. My joy was based on Your love, O my God, and on the pleasure of being Your captive; although I made these reflections only when composing hymns. The central depth of my heart was full of that joy which You give to those who love You, in the midst of the greatest crosses. I let others think what they please, for me, I find security only in abandoning myself to the Lord."
If you want to read something that compels your heart to see the gospel spread throughout the earth, increasing zeal in your heart, read the biography of Brother Yun called "Heavenly Man." This book utterly wrecked me and made me realize how much I have sought "comfortable Christianity." After reading about Brother Yun's book, the Lord has increased my desire to pray for the church of the west to be awakened in truth and for our hearts to be stirred to see revival come to our land. I would share a favorite quote from this book but, as with most of my favorite books, I have given my copy away.
For those of you who desire a deeper understanding of Jesus as the bridegroom, please read "Song of the Bride" by Jeanne Guyon. This book absolutely wrecked my heart in a new understanding of Christ's love for humanity, and me. This book is basically a commentary on the Song of Solomon. Regarding Song of Solomon 1:6, Guyon writes,
"God takes away that which is non-essential in virtue so that He may strengthen the principle of the virtues. The virtues are still practiced by the soul, though in an exceedingly hidden way; and in humility, pure love, absolute abandonment, denial of self, and the other virtues, the soul makes solid progress. It is through this process that the operation of God seems to tarnish the soul on the exterior; in actuality, it indicates no new defects in the soul, but only an uncovering of the old ones so that, by being openly exposed, they may be better healed."
As many of you know, one of my hero's in life since childhood has been Amy Carmichael. Elisabeth Elliot wrote a biography on her life and ministry called "A Chance to Die." This book is raw, it is real and it exposes the vulnerability of Carmicheal's heart as she ministers to the nation of India. I love that even her faults and failures are not hidden from its readers, it proves that no matter what place of influence the Lord puts people in, He still has us all in the process of healing and transformation. This is one of my favorite books! You can find a favorite quote in the headline of this blog.
The Lord is faithful...
I am blown away by the faithfulness of the Lord. Yesterday in our New Testament Survey class, Holy Spirit showed up with the Spirit of conviction. A classmate, burdened by the fear of the Lord, openly confessed his agreement with a mocking spirit and the spirit of judgment toward our leaders and fellow classmates. This was followed by a time of intense corporate repentance and healing, while nearly our entire class broke agreement with these things. The Lord is so faithful and kind in leading us to repentance and uniting the hearts of those He loves! Obviously this topic has been on His heart. :)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
After Pondering Matthew 7....
I want to take a few moments and talk about a passage in scripture that has been burning on my heart for a few years. This verse is probably the most commonly quoted portion of scripture in Christianity today and we are all familiar with it, but two years ago the Lord highlighted it to me in a whole new context. I have been hiding it in my heart, trying to grasp the complexity of the Lord’s heart relating the comparison and judgment of others ever since. I am by no means sharing this from a place of complete freedom wrongful judging. I realize this is going to be a reality that the Lord will be working in me for the rest of my life, but, I am committed to the process. At this point, I feel like I have barely scratched the surface but this is something that I believe is an important issue to be grasped in order for us to fully partner with each other in ministry. I know that the spirit of comparison and judgment is something that we all give ourselves to in varying forms and I want to share with you, what the Lord has been speaking to me about it.
If you have your bibles, open them to Matthew chapter 7.
1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. 6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:1-6
Instead of looking at this passage with the traditional view, I want us to consider it from a different angle. As I was meditating on this passage the Lord told me, “You don’t realize this but when you judge other people constantly in your mind, you are only hurting yourself. Every time you criticize another person in your heart, you are creating an unrealistic set of standards that you hold yourself to. Ultimately, your inability to meet up to your own standards causes you to grow angry and frustrated at Me, your striving to be perfect according to those standards in your own strength excludes Me from your transformation. And when you judge others, you are judging Me, you are doubting my sovereignty in their lives.” This reality struck me hard. Me, judging the Lord?!?! Ouch. I began my journey of grappling this reality.
Whenever the Lord highlights sin in my life, my automatic reaction is to rationalize my behavior by pointing out the same sin in the lives of others. I frantically search for the specks in other peoples eyes in order to defend my own cause and the log in own my eye never gets addressed or it gets suppressed. When Holy Spirit brings conviction, it doesn’t give us a free ticket to acknowledge that sin in the lives of others. The Lord has all of us on a path to wholeness and freedom and it is going to look different for all of us, the level of maturity He is calling you to may not be where someone else is at.
The repercussions of this in my life lies in the unrealistic standards I create for myself when I unrighteously judge others. I went through a season recently where I couldn’t go to the Lord freely because I had so much shame built up from not being able to meet up to my own expectations of myself. By requiring much from others, I had created an illusion that the Lord expected much more from me, a standard that I could never measure up to in my own strength. This caused me to spiral into aggressive striving and despair. I was too ashamed to go to the Lord in such weakness because I expected His view of me to be much like the view I had of others who struggle with the same issues. Eventually, I grew frustrated with the Lord because I felt like He was distant and had abandoned me. When in reality, it was my own shame and condemnation that created the distance. I doubted His goodness and estranged myself from His mercy and grace, which was already freely mine. I had judged others in defense of my dignity and ended up forfeiting my dignity myself in not allowing the Lord to transform me in my weak state. I doubted the Lord’s sovereignty in the lives of others and lost faith in His sovereignty in my own life.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Instead of standing on the truth found in the word that the Lord’s strength is made perfect in weakness, I judged people according to their own flesh and ability in place of seeing the Lord’s grace in renewing their lives. By holding myself to this same standard, I wallowed in my weak state for too long of a season because, in my own pride I didn’t allow the Lord to make me strong. This is the reality that I have been wrestling with ever since the Lord highlighted that unrighteous spirit of judgment in me.
Does this mean that Jesus doesn’t judge? On the contrary, in John 5:30, Jesus judges others,
"I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.”
It’s not about completely ridding our lives of all forms of judgment, the Lord wants us to weigh each other with the right heart. The difference between my heart of judgment and the judgment of Jesus is huge, I judge out of a place of seeking my own gain, defending my own reputation. Quite contrarily, Jesus judges based on the will of the Father, His judgments are righteous and pure.
The Lord’s model for judging others is good, He intends for us to challenge people to grow in their knowledge of Him. With the right heart, He uses judgment for His purpose, it is what we choose to do with it that matters. We can either sow truth into the lives of our friends or we can sow darkness and offense into our relationships and into our own hearts. Righteous judgment always has the other person’s best interest in mind. Proverbs 27:17 says that, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of a friend.” When the Lord highlights issues in the lives of our friends, we are not to use those things to breed negative thoughts or to make us feel better about ourselves by rationalizing our sinful behavior. The Lord highlights them so that we can pray for one another and if need be, confront our friend in love, sharpening their countenance and calling them into greater knowledge of the Lord. That is what righteous judgment is, addressing truth in love.
My heart is heavy as I share this because I know this is an area of my life where I fall short often and it is something that doesn’t only affect my life and my relationship with the Lord, in even greater measures it affects my relationship with my friends. I want to repent for every time I have taken the seat of the unrighteous judge. Ultimately, my carrying a judgmental spirit prevents unity in our hearts and hinders the spiritual growth of our relationship. My judgment of you amidst your transformation caused my heart to mistrust the Lord’s work in you and through you, preventing me from fully partnering with your heart in ministering to others. As your sister, I want to be one who calls you up higher, challenging you to grow, but I also want to come to you with a pure heart, motivated by the will of the Father.
I want to serve you, to get underneath you, strengthening you for the Lord’s work instead of agreeing with the father of lies about hidden motives or disqualification. In chapter 7:6 of Matthew, Jesus says, “ Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lets they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you into pieces.” By allowing negative, judgmental thoughts toward you to take root in my mind, I have submitted your heart to the dogs, I have casted your actions before swine. In allowing my flesh to judge your heart, I have subjected your ministry to be measured by the standards of this world instead of the Lord’s. In this, I have come into agreement with the enemy, giving way for your honor and dignity to be trampled by the slander of the enemy. Every time I have allowed myself to judge your actions and intentions unrighteously, I forfeited an opportunity to partner with you in advancing the kingdom and I sowed strife and disunity into our relationship instead of trusting the Lord to use you in your weakness.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, we see a picture of what love is supposed to look like,
“ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
I want to be a picture of Christ’s love to you, I don’t want to seek my own advancement, I want to always give you the benefit of the doubt, I want to be patient with you, rejoicing when you rejoice, I want to hope with you for your future, I want to stand with you in faith and in prayer for your dreams to be fulfilled. I want to love you well, with full and complete selflessness, seeking your cause. I want to go low so you can go high. I want to make a new commitment to you, that I will promote you and not myself, that I will seek your blessing and not my own, that I will judge your heart as good and pure instead of seeking to discount your intentions or tear you down in order to defend my own honor. I want to commit to you tonight that I will leave Christ in the judgment seat and trust His agenda in transforming your life. Can you pray with me? Lets break our agreement with the spirit of comparison and unrighteous judgment. Can we contend together for the Lord to establish a culture of honor in our relationships and in the body of Christ?
If you have your bibles, open them to Matthew chapter 7.
1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. 6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:1-6
Instead of looking at this passage with the traditional view, I want us to consider it from a different angle. As I was meditating on this passage the Lord told me, “You don’t realize this but when you judge other people constantly in your mind, you are only hurting yourself. Every time you criticize another person in your heart, you are creating an unrealistic set of standards that you hold yourself to. Ultimately, your inability to meet up to your own standards causes you to grow angry and frustrated at Me, your striving to be perfect according to those standards in your own strength excludes Me from your transformation. And when you judge others, you are judging Me, you are doubting my sovereignty in their lives.” This reality struck me hard. Me, judging the Lord?!?! Ouch. I began my journey of grappling this reality.
Whenever the Lord highlights sin in my life, my automatic reaction is to rationalize my behavior by pointing out the same sin in the lives of others. I frantically search for the specks in other peoples eyes in order to defend my own cause and the log in own my eye never gets addressed or it gets suppressed. When Holy Spirit brings conviction, it doesn’t give us a free ticket to acknowledge that sin in the lives of others. The Lord has all of us on a path to wholeness and freedom and it is going to look different for all of us, the level of maturity He is calling you to may not be where someone else is at.
The repercussions of this in my life lies in the unrealistic standards I create for myself when I unrighteously judge others. I went through a season recently where I couldn’t go to the Lord freely because I had so much shame built up from not being able to meet up to my own expectations of myself. By requiring much from others, I had created an illusion that the Lord expected much more from me, a standard that I could never measure up to in my own strength. This caused me to spiral into aggressive striving and despair. I was too ashamed to go to the Lord in such weakness because I expected His view of me to be much like the view I had of others who struggle with the same issues. Eventually, I grew frustrated with the Lord because I felt like He was distant and had abandoned me. When in reality, it was my own shame and condemnation that created the distance. I doubted His goodness and estranged myself from His mercy and grace, which was already freely mine. I had judged others in defense of my dignity and ended up forfeiting my dignity myself in not allowing the Lord to transform me in my weak state. I doubted the Lord’s sovereignty in the lives of others and lost faith in His sovereignty in my own life.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Instead of standing on the truth found in the word that the Lord’s strength is made perfect in weakness, I judged people according to their own flesh and ability in place of seeing the Lord’s grace in renewing their lives. By holding myself to this same standard, I wallowed in my weak state for too long of a season because, in my own pride I didn’t allow the Lord to make me strong. This is the reality that I have been wrestling with ever since the Lord highlighted that unrighteous spirit of judgment in me.
Does this mean that Jesus doesn’t judge? On the contrary, in John 5:30, Jesus judges others,
"I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.”
It’s not about completely ridding our lives of all forms of judgment, the Lord wants us to weigh each other with the right heart. The difference between my heart of judgment and the judgment of Jesus is huge, I judge out of a place of seeking my own gain, defending my own reputation. Quite contrarily, Jesus judges based on the will of the Father, His judgments are righteous and pure.
The Lord’s model for judging others is good, He intends for us to challenge people to grow in their knowledge of Him. With the right heart, He uses judgment for His purpose, it is what we choose to do with it that matters. We can either sow truth into the lives of our friends or we can sow darkness and offense into our relationships and into our own hearts. Righteous judgment always has the other person’s best interest in mind. Proverbs 27:17 says that, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of a friend.” When the Lord highlights issues in the lives of our friends, we are not to use those things to breed negative thoughts or to make us feel better about ourselves by rationalizing our sinful behavior. The Lord highlights them so that we can pray for one another and if need be, confront our friend in love, sharpening their countenance and calling them into greater knowledge of the Lord. That is what righteous judgment is, addressing truth in love.
My heart is heavy as I share this because I know this is an area of my life where I fall short often and it is something that doesn’t only affect my life and my relationship with the Lord, in even greater measures it affects my relationship with my friends. I want to repent for every time I have taken the seat of the unrighteous judge. Ultimately, my carrying a judgmental spirit prevents unity in our hearts and hinders the spiritual growth of our relationship. My judgment of you amidst your transformation caused my heart to mistrust the Lord’s work in you and through you, preventing me from fully partnering with your heart in ministering to others. As your sister, I want to be one who calls you up higher, challenging you to grow, but I also want to come to you with a pure heart, motivated by the will of the Father.
I want to serve you, to get underneath you, strengthening you for the Lord’s work instead of agreeing with the father of lies about hidden motives or disqualification. In chapter 7:6 of Matthew, Jesus says, “ Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lets they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you into pieces.” By allowing negative, judgmental thoughts toward you to take root in my mind, I have submitted your heart to the dogs, I have casted your actions before swine. In allowing my flesh to judge your heart, I have subjected your ministry to be measured by the standards of this world instead of the Lord’s. In this, I have come into agreement with the enemy, giving way for your honor and dignity to be trampled by the slander of the enemy. Every time I have allowed myself to judge your actions and intentions unrighteously, I forfeited an opportunity to partner with you in advancing the kingdom and I sowed strife and disunity into our relationship instead of trusting the Lord to use you in your weakness.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, we see a picture of what love is supposed to look like,
“ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
I want to be a picture of Christ’s love to you, I don’t want to seek my own advancement, I want to always give you the benefit of the doubt, I want to be patient with you, rejoicing when you rejoice, I want to hope with you for your future, I want to stand with you in faith and in prayer for your dreams to be fulfilled. I want to love you well, with full and complete selflessness, seeking your cause. I want to go low so you can go high. I want to make a new commitment to you, that I will promote you and not myself, that I will seek your blessing and not my own, that I will judge your heart as good and pure instead of seeking to discount your intentions or tear you down in order to defend my own honor. I want to commit to you tonight that I will leave Christ in the judgment seat and trust His agenda in transforming your life. Can you pray with me? Lets break our agreement with the spirit of comparison and unrighteous judgment. Can we contend together for the Lord to establish a culture of honor in our relationships and in the body of Christ?
Life as it were... and will be!
Three years ago I was living my dreams. I was walking in the fullness of the Spirit, with Kingdom vision, eager to advance the Kingdom of God in every nation. I was fully partnered with my church and it’s leadership, holding positions of influence and leadership in my church and in my community. I was full of life, had huge vision for my future, I was submitted to authority, growing in the Lord, blessed by deep friendships and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with the man of my dreams.
I came to a point where my focus shifted from pursuing the Lord’s will to seeking the will of my leaders, I transferred the authority of my heart from the Lord to a man and put all of my hope in my relationship with him. At one point I even told the Lord that He can take anything in my life away from me, but He can’t take my relationship away.
But, my God is a jealous God.
Our relationship suddenly ended along with my hopes and dreams for our future, my close covenant friendship with his sister, my pastor, broke. All of my friendships were connected to him, he also served in my church, my heart hit the road of slow, agonizing death. Everything that brought life was gone, suddenly.
In the months that followed, loneliness gripped me with physically painful intensity and I stopped living because I couldn’t bear the grief of the cataclysmic losses. I closed my heart to everyone and everything, including the Lord. I cried out to the Lord for comfort and felt nothing but hopelessness yawning back at me. I asked the Lord why, what is the meaning of all this? He responded with, “I’m rebuilding the cracks in your foundation.” That was anything but comforting, I didn’t feel like that was a sufficient answer. My pain was larger than life, in my own mind I felt like I would never live, never hope again. I knew the truth found in the word that the Father would never leave me or forsake me, even heard it echoing in my heart on a daily basis but I had never felt so abandoned or alone in my life, I had no faith to believe in the Lord’s good and perfect will.
Looking back, I see the Lord’s jealousy for my affection, He has given me a promise from Isaiah 54 that He will restore what’s been lost with beautiful and great things. But I still wonder, when will my heart live again? When will I feel His pleasure and His glory again? When will my vision be restored?
In Isaiah 54:6-8 He promised,”For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a youthful wife when you were refused. For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” says the Lord, Your redeemer. I can’t help but question, when will the Lord bring justice, when will He break in and redeem the time in His everlasting kindness?
For now, I place my hope in the Lord to restore the years the locust has eaten. I trust that His plan and purpose for this season, as agonizing as it has been, will be beautiful and good. I am still standing on my life verse that I have put a bit of my own translation into....
He will turn my mourning into wild dances of freedom, He will clothe me in gladness for every moment of despair. All trials are for His glory, that I may herald His goodness about the earth and praise Him with great joy for eternity.
Psalm 30:11-12 in my own words.
In the meantime, I have found such peace and an occasional amuse bouche of joy in the waiting...
I came to a point where my focus shifted from pursuing the Lord’s will to seeking the will of my leaders, I transferred the authority of my heart from the Lord to a man and put all of my hope in my relationship with him. At one point I even told the Lord that He can take anything in my life away from me, but He can’t take my relationship away.
But, my God is a jealous God.
Our relationship suddenly ended along with my hopes and dreams for our future, my close covenant friendship with his sister, my pastor, broke. All of my friendships were connected to him, he also served in my church, my heart hit the road of slow, agonizing death. Everything that brought life was gone, suddenly.
In the months that followed, loneliness gripped me with physically painful intensity and I stopped living because I couldn’t bear the grief of the cataclysmic losses. I closed my heart to everyone and everything, including the Lord. I cried out to the Lord for comfort and felt nothing but hopelessness yawning back at me. I asked the Lord why, what is the meaning of all this? He responded with, “I’m rebuilding the cracks in your foundation.” That was anything but comforting, I didn’t feel like that was a sufficient answer. My pain was larger than life, in my own mind I felt like I would never live, never hope again. I knew the truth found in the word that the Father would never leave me or forsake me, even heard it echoing in my heart on a daily basis but I had never felt so abandoned or alone in my life, I had no faith to believe in the Lord’s good and perfect will.
Looking back, I see the Lord’s jealousy for my affection, He has given me a promise from Isaiah 54 that He will restore what’s been lost with beautiful and great things. But I still wonder, when will my heart live again? When will I feel His pleasure and His glory again? When will my vision be restored?
In Isaiah 54:6-8 He promised,”For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a youthful wife when you were refused. For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” says the Lord, Your redeemer. I can’t help but question, when will the Lord bring justice, when will He break in and redeem the time in His everlasting kindness?
For now, I place my hope in the Lord to restore the years the locust has eaten. I trust that His plan and purpose for this season, as agonizing as it has been, will be beautiful and good. I am still standing on my life verse that I have put a bit of my own translation into....
He will turn my mourning into wild dances of freedom, He will clothe me in gladness for every moment of despair. All trials are for His glory, that I may herald His goodness about the earth and praise Him with great joy for eternity.
Psalm 30:11-12 in my own words.
In the meantime, I have found such peace and an occasional amuse bouche of joy in the waiting...
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