Three years ago I was living my dreams. I was walking in the fullness of the Spirit, with Kingdom vision, eager to advance the Kingdom of God in every nation. I was fully partnered with my church and it’s leadership, holding positions of influence and leadership in my church and in my community. I was full of life, had huge vision for my future, I was submitted to authority, growing in the Lord, blessed by deep friendships and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with the man of my dreams.
I came to a point where my focus shifted from pursuing the Lord’s will to seeking the will of my leaders, I transferred the authority of my heart from the Lord to a man and put all of my hope in my relationship with him. At one point I even told the Lord that He can take anything in my life away from me, but He can’t take my relationship away.
But, my God is a jealous God.
Our relationship suddenly ended along with my hopes and dreams for our future, my close covenant friendship with his sister, my pastor, broke. All of my friendships were connected to him, he also served in my church, my heart hit the road of slow, agonizing death. Everything that brought life was gone, suddenly.
In the months that followed, loneliness gripped me with physically painful intensity and I stopped living because I couldn’t bear the grief of the cataclysmic losses. I closed my heart to everyone and everything, including the Lord. I cried out to the Lord for comfort and felt nothing but hopelessness yawning back at me. I asked the Lord why, what is the meaning of all this? He responded with, “I’m rebuilding the cracks in your foundation.” That was anything but comforting, I didn’t feel like that was a sufficient answer. My pain was larger than life, in my own mind I felt like I would never live, never hope again. I knew the truth found in the word that the Father would never leave me or forsake me, even heard it echoing in my heart on a daily basis but I had never felt so abandoned or alone in my life, I had no faith to believe in the Lord’s good and perfect will.
Looking back, I see the Lord’s jealousy for my affection, He has given me a promise from Isaiah 54 that He will restore what’s been lost with beautiful and great things. But I still wonder, when will my heart live again? When will I feel His pleasure and His glory again? When will my vision be restored?
In Isaiah 54:6-8 He promised,”For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a youthful wife when you were refused. For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” says the Lord, Your redeemer. I can’t help but question, when will the Lord bring justice, when will He break in and redeem the time in His everlasting kindness?
For now, I place my hope in the Lord to restore the years the locust has eaten. I trust that His plan and purpose for this season, as agonizing as it has been, will be beautiful and good. I am still standing on my life verse that I have put a bit of my own translation into....
He will turn my mourning into wild dances of freedom, He will clothe me in gladness for every moment of despair. All trials are for His glory, that I may herald His goodness about the earth and praise Him with great joy for eternity.
Psalm 30:11-12 in my own words.
In the meantime, I have found such peace and an occasional amuse bouche of joy in the waiting...
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