Friday, August 24, 2012

Thankful, hopeful...


Well, I am officially a junior in the Forerunner School of Ministry. This week has been a crazy journey of good and terrible at the same time. I am really looking forward to my classes, my times in the word and in the prayer room but at the same time, completely overwhelmed by the course load coupled with full time work. Lord, give me grace!

I was in my practicum introduction yesterday and our leaders of the House of Prayer Leadership track were casting their vision for our training. We will basically be immersed in planting a student house of prayer and leading Encounter God services once a week throughout the semester. Grouped into teams of people, we will be assigned roles according to our gifts and starting a house of prayer. This is exactly what I came here for, to grow and be stretched in ministering to people, learning how to build praying communities from the ground up among the nations. After spending 2 years on the sidelines it has become really easy just to go with the flow, unnoticed. Comfortable, rather. The idea of being seen or being vulnerable in such a way is utterly terrifying to me! I was sitting in class yesterday, excited about the opportunity to grow and at the same time experiencing so much fear and anxiety that I felt like throwing up. I wanted to drop out immediately!

When I got home, I decided to lay out a fleece before the Lord. I asked Him that if He wanted me to be in school, as scary as it is, to allow me to sleep peacefully through the night, I haven’t slept through the night in 2 weeks. I have been operating on 2-3 hours of sleep per night because of the anxious feelings I’ve been experiencing. I woke up this morning peacefully after one of the hardest sleeps I’ve had in my life, I didn’t wake up once. I guess you can say that the Lord wants me to be in school. :) This semester will be extremely challenging and stretching for me, I feel like my confidence level is at a 0 right now. What better of an opportunity to see the Lord’s strength and glory manifested though, right? I am weak but He is strong and more than able to take my insecurity and failure and make it beautiful and good. 

Thankful.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Why am I still here!?

I finished school here in May. Or did I? Why am I still here!?

I have no idea why, but I have had the hardest time letting this semester start without me being in class. All summer I have been wrestling with the should I or shouldn't I's of continuing school and it seems that every time I make a decision, I start all over at the beginning of the wrestle.

IHOPU re-adjourns on Monday and this week the battle that has been raging in my mind was set on jet-speed. I don't know why I haven't been able to have peace in letting it go. At the same time, I have been coveting my free time like a chipmunk storing up nuts for the winter. After spending the last two years with no free seconds to rub together hardly, I was more than ready to be done in May. Burnt out.

I really have no reason to go to school other than the fact that it would be a great opportunity to continue growing in the word in ways that I can't on my own. Not to mention that it is convenient that all of my friends are continuing and I would feel like I've been left in the dust with no legitimate reason to quit.

Needless to say, I haven't slept all week and school starts in about 36 hours. :/

JESUS!!!!!

Life....or something like it.

Sometimes life twists in ways that are surprising. I hate that feeling of aimlessness, where what you are pursuing in life seems mediocre at best and you find yourself being exactly that person you said you would never be. I've never been good at mediocrity or boredom and I will kick and scream all day about aimlessness. But here I am, summer came, almost went and I did a lot of quiet time and cooking and cleaning and homemaking and... that's it. With all that, I was mostly lonely. It is so difficult to make time and spend time with people when everyone is pursuing purpose and meaning at 369 miles an hour. So instead of meeting with people and friends, I met with the Lord for hours everyday.

I've been asked, "What was the Lord speaking to you about? How awesome was that?!?!"

I wouldn't exactly say that He gave me intense prophetic revelation or encountered me with the fullness of His glory in person but I just spent the summer enjoying Him, savoring friendship and doing life with Him. It was so peaceful and surprising. As you may have discovered, I am an extremist. I never do anything halfway, I jump full force into life oftentimes without thinking about where I am to jump. So the discovery that the Lord sometimes just wants to take a break from intensity to just rest and be, was a mind blowing concept for me. Pursuing greatness and revival and seeing heaven invade earth brings joy to His heart and just as much, He is delighted by my abiding time.

After being at home with all things familiar and fun, coming back to little old Grandview, MO was a bit overwhelming. It was so nice to be home where I know and am known, where relationships are long and meaningful and where I'm surrounded by people who know what makes me tick. I came back to this sea of people in a mega ministry where thousands of people seek a charismatic Christian mecca and race to be the one who pursues the Lord with the most passion(this is my personal estimation anyways). I got swallowed up to say the least. I know I don't need friendships to sustain my heart but the Lord is teaching me(much slower than I'd like I might add) to truly be filled by His friendship to the point where all other relationships are bonus blessings. He is the true source, He is the only One who can fill that void of relationship in a healthy, non-codependent way. I am growing through this, by the grace of God.