Alone...

What does it look like in this day and age to be alone with the Lord? I settle down with some tea, with my bedroom door closed, crank up Kim Walker's spontaneous songs, open my favorite bible passage and go for it. But am I really alone? I was reading today about the life of St. Anthony and how as a young man the Lord called him away to be alone with Him for 20 years. You want to know what he did? He went away to the desert with just the clothes on his back, no friends, no family, it was just him and the Lord. Doesn't it sound glorious? Not really. But he came out of that season so near to the heart of the Father, with such a deep communal relationship that the Lord used his life to minister to others in a powerful way.

This makes me think about how I get alone with God, the scenario I described above is missing one major element. Along with my bible and my tea and the music, I also drag this huge mass into my room, I try to stuff it in my closet so it can't distract me, but in all reality my closet is way to small to even close the door on it. The mass is a pile of thoughts, needs, desires and obligations: my friends, my family, the status of all my relationships both good and bad, my cell phone is right on top, along with all the phone calls I have to return and the text messages that I can't help but peek at, somewhere in there I have some unpaid bills, my work schedule, the guest that forgot to tip me last week, those nasty things the lady said to me at the grocery store, the guy I think is the bees knees and the wondering of what he thinks of me, the wrong things I said to my co-worker, what I'm going to eat for lunch, and every other little thing that is buried in my mind at the moment.

How can I really be alone with the Lord when the world makes such a demanding presence? How can I seek the Lord fully with everything around me screaming at me for attention? The other problem I run into is that I find it uncomfortable to be alone. It seems like anytime I have a free moment I'm trying to fill it with something, I have this deep, hidden fear of having nothing to do. So I pacify myself with phone calls, books, movies, work, food and so on. I think the value of St. Anthony's season alone with God lies in the unavoidable face time,the total dependence on the Lord for relationship and provision because in all reality there is nothing else and no one else to depend on. I can only imagine the level of vulnerability with the Lord he had that was borne out of the pain of loneliness, and despair at the vanilla of life. It is so easy for me to fill my schedule and call a friend when I need to connect with someone, but how often is it that the desire for relationship is actually the Lord seeking time with me and I fill my time with lesser pleasures. I've been seeking the Lord about what those things are that I've allowed to become a distraction, the little things in life that pacify me and keep me from pursuing the Lord with my whole heart.
Father, help me, teach me, lead me, I want so much more of You, increase my hunger for your presence, show me how to cut out the lesser pleasures in life in Jesus name.

Shiloh, a peaceful lake behind the prayer room...